


Sexberry and the Last Quincy

by pony_rocks



Category: Bleach
Genre: Comedy, Crack Pairings, Explicit Sexual Content, Multi, Pure Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-27
Updated: 2013-05-27
Packaged: 2017-12-13 03:22:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/819379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pony_rocks/pseuds/pony_rocks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryuuken is an extremely considerate father in a world where everybody is a slut.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sexberry and the Last Quincy

**Author's Note:**

> This story was first posted on LJ back in 2009. Many thanks to my wonderful beta Neha for helping me to put it into better shape!

  


  


It was the first time in his life that Ichigo had the chance – and privilege – to see the home of the illustrious Ishida family. 

Uryuu has never taken him there – their rendezvous took place mainly outside, occasionally in hotel rooms, more often in empty classrooms and deserted parks and once even in Orihime Inoue’s own bed, which proved large enough for three, but too small for four (fortunately, Chad took it bravely and at least they had someone behind the camera). However, not even the nicest of all the places they had ever visited could stand a comparison to Ishida’s mansion. It was clearly a place where money met class and good taste – that is, if you didn’t mind Quincy crosses as a wallpaper pattern. Actually, looking around, Ichigo thought the richness and refinement reminded him slightly of the Kuchiki estate, although the shinigami residence was furnished in accordance with traditional Japanese aesthetics, while Ishida’s mansion was decorated in true Western fashion.

And there was yet another similarity: Ryuuken Ishida was nearly as annoying as Byakuya.

“Don’t sit there!” he barked as soon as Ichigo sat down on a sofa – a perfect example of Edwardian upholstery – and pointed at a small puffed chair across the room. “Move over there!”

Ichigo obeyed without a single word. He had long since learned that shutting Byakuya up required thrusting Ichigo’s dick (or rather “manhood” – noble sons of Kuchiki clan apparently didn’t find words like “dick” or “cock” worthy of their pretty mouths) into his throat so deep it could reach the tonsils, and somehow Ichigo couldn’t see himself doing similar service to Ryuuken. Therefore he moved onto the chair without complaints while Uryuu’s father remained standing behind the Edwardian sofa, one hand grasping its back, the other pushing the glasses up his nose in a characteristic Ishida gesture. His eyes behind the glass were cold, and Ichigo suddenly felt somewhat ill at ease.

“So, what’s the matter? Why did you call me?” Ichigo asked, more to break the uncomfortable silence than learn the answer, as he was sure he knew the true motive behind the sudden invitation. Ryuuken did not disappoint him. His voice was even colder than his eyes when he said: “I summoned you to discuss certain matters… involving you and my son.”

There it was. Good. On the one hand, Ichigo was quite happy the news was finally out. He had never been a good liar and hanging around Uryuu pretending they were about to study – when, in fact, the only thing they studied together was how to deepthroat without choking – felt weird. On the other hand…

“Listen,” started Ichigo, forcing himself to calmness. Talking to Ryuuken was a bit like finding oneself inside a cage with a particularly well-dressed tiger. “Listen, I understand how you feel about shinigami, but this is something different. I really love Uryuu and I’m pretty sure he feels the same. I realise it’s a bit of a shock to you and- ”  

“Oh, that?“ interrupted Ryuuken, “You are mistaken. I have known about your relationship since the very beginning. My son, as you might have already noticed, is not exactly skilled at hiding his secrets from me. No, today I have called you to discuss another matter.”

Ichigo felt a bit like a person who was prepared to rush to save the damsel in distress from a Hollow, but upon arrival interrupted the said damsel and Hollow in a middle of setting a pre-marital contract.

He cleared his throat and risked a smile: “So, you don’t mind the two of us dating?”

“I have not said such a thing!”  A hint of impatience crept into Ryuuken’s voice. “I am merely stating that I am aware of the choice my son made and although I am far from approving, I will not actively oppose it, as I have already gotten used to the fact the boy has a very poor taste.”

“Ah. Okay,” mumbled Ichigo, trying not to feel insulted and failing. “Then, what is it that you want to tell me? If it’s about… um,  _protection_ , then you don’t have to worry, we-”

“No, not that either!” snapped Ryuuken. He pushed his glasses up his nose again, then gripped the back of the sofa with both hands and leaned forward, as if poised for an attack.

“I summoned you today, Kurosaki, to ask one simple question: why exactly do you pursue sex with other people despite the fact you are dating my son?”

Oh.  _That_.

Ichigo honestly didn’t know what to say. How could he discuss such things with Uryuu’s father? Was he supposed to say that his son was perfectly lovely and fun to hang around with (provided he loosened up a bit, although that could always be helped with a glass or two, if necessary), but his bed performance was satisfactory at best? That his knowledge of sex was reduced to three basic positions, mediocre blow jobs and lots of blushing? That his cock might be nice and reasonably sized, but cannot stand comparison to Kuchiki family jewels?

No, that simply wouldn’t do. He had to be diplomatic.  

“Well… let’s just say I appreciate the variety.”

That wasn’t a complete lie. He really did enjoy the variety shinigami world offered. He loved the hot passionate nights with Yoruichi and lazy afternoons spent by quiet and dignified love-making with Chojiro Sasakibe, followed by the best English tea and buttered scones. It was immensely exciting being smothered by Rangiku’s voluptuous breats while the shy, soft mouth of Isane Kotetsu did wonders with his throbbing erection. He enjoyed spankings from Nanao Ise, bondage from Soi Fon, and the various interesting toys Nemu Kurotsuchi hid under her bed. Why, the mere thought of ejaculating into Nemu’s passive face while one of her handy little clamps crushed his painfully swollen nipples made him shiver with pleasure.

Besides, shinigami were fun. Uryuu took everything too seriously and never really liked to experiment. He didn’t approve of role-playing unless it was the well-rehearsed shinigami-meets-Last-Quincy scenario, which Ichigo liked at first but quickly became bored with (despite the fact that Uryuu prepared different outfits every time). Shinigami, however, were another story. Ichigo had plenty of fun with Ikkaku and Yumichika, pretending to be a particularly naughty Hollow who needed to be severely punished, or playing a disobeying patient to strict captain Unohana. The only role-play within the walls of Seireitei which ended up more terrifying than exciting was when Mayuri Kurotsuchi decided to engage Ichigo into his famous ‘Mad Scientist’ act (it turned out to be far too realistic for the boy’s taste).

Ichigo briefly thought about how to explain all this to Ryuuken, should he press for more detailed information, but his host merely nodded.       

“Is that so? Very well.” Ryuuken’s cold eyes looked straight at Ichigo. “This behaviour must stop.”

That thought amused Ichigo greatly. He made himself more comfortable and gave Ryuuken a dismissive smile.

“Really? And how are you gonna make me? Are you gonna cut my dick off and lock it in a Quincy cross-patterned safe?”

Ryuuken appeared as if he was seriously considering the possibility.

“Of course I could do that,” he said after several tense seconds, “but what use would you be to my poor son then?”

Ichigo gulped. “I am glad you take that into consideration.”

Ryuuken just shrugged. “In any case, my time is precious and so is yours. Therefore, I shall put it simple and clear.” His eyes darkened as he stared at Ichigo. “You will cheat no more. Or, to be precise, you will – but with no one else than me.”

Ichigo thought he might have misheard him. Drat, he’d better have misheard him!

“Say again?”

“I said, you dumb boy, that from now on you will cheat on my son with no one else than me in order to spare his feelings.”

So he did hear well.

“But- that’s crazy! What - how… Uryuu-” Ichigo’s voice trembled in righteous fury,“- what are you talking about, man! Imagine how’d Uryuu feel if- if you and I -”

The look Ryuuken gave him was nearly amused.

“Idiot. He won’t know a thing, of course! I, unlike your _bedfellows_ ,” he put as much contempt into the word as he could, ”know very well how to be discreet. The matter is closed. You will have your  _entertainment_  and my son will be kept in a blissful ignorance. Everything shall be done  _en famille_. The end.”

Ichigo felt his world sinking into darkness. He gathered all his remaining strength and for the last time managed a feeble protest

“But- sir, be reasonable, I could never do it with you!”

Ryuuken gave him a sharp look. “Why? Am I not attractive enough for you?”

The conversation was turning wildly surreal. Ichigo took a few deep breaths, then ran a shaking hand over his suddenly clammy forehead, racking his brains to find a reasonable answer:

“Ah-eh, no, of course not! You… uh, you have… a…  nice skin... and…and… a great fashion sense!” he stuttered, struggling with the sheer absurdity of the whole situation. “But… but you are much older than I, I don’t think I could-!”

Ryuuken smiled. “Really?” he said pleasantly. “If we overlook the fact that mentioning my age is extremely indecent, I can only say that from what I have heard, you did not mind the difference in case of general Yamamoto.”

Ichigo started feeling very faint. “Well, it’s true that older men have their perks,” he replied weakly, cold sweat running down his back. Ryuuken nodded, obviously satisfied with the way things were turning out.

“I should think so. Anyway, I suppose it would be prudent now to show you what I have in store for you.” Ryuuken’s eyes lit with an unholy light as he slowly licked his upper lip. “Aren’t you interested… Sexberry?”

Never ever in his life was Ichigo more afraid.

Before he could utter a single word or motion of protest, Ryuuken swiftly crossed the distance between them, dropped down on his knees and with one brisk motion opened Ichigo’s zipper. The boy was so perplexed he could only watch as the older man skillfully pulled his dick out of his boxers and carefully examined it.

“Good,” he said finally, clearly satisfied with what he saw. “Like father, like son.”

“What?” snapped Ichigo, trying to wriggle out of Ryuuken’s reach, but the older Quincy held him tight.

“Nothing important. Only that you are rather well-equipped. For a shinigami.”

Actually, Ryuuken wasn’t being fair. Ichigo knew some pretty well-developed shinigami, be it Renji Abarai, who had a schlong nearly the size of Zabimaru, or captain Zaraki, whose right to call his prick “my manly weapon” couldn’t be disputed. And although Ichigo didn’t have a first-hand experience, he heard from others that the Third Arm of Justice belonging to former captain Tousen was nothing short of legendary. (Lieutenant Iba, on the other hand… Ichigo soon found out that in Iba’s case, the presidency of Shinigami Men Association was clearly a compensation of some sort. That didn’t stop Iba from being the master of hand jobs, though. After all, the poor man obviously had loads of private experience.)

“Now, onto the business!”

“What-what are you-”

The rest of Ichigo’s words drowned in a wave of bliss that suddenly rushed over his whole body as Ryuuken’s warm, moist lips caught his cock into a tight embrace. One hand firmly grasping the boy’s member, Ryuuken started moved his tongue smoothly all over its surface, tracing it carefully from the root to the very tip, slowly and rhythmically, sometimes teasing the frenulum, while the other hand was gently kneading Ichigo’s balls, sending incredible shivers down the boy’s spine.

The most amazing thing was that he hasn’t stopped talking.

“There there, my boy,” he whispered, “it’s high time you had some quality sex. Remember, quantity isn’t everything.”

Despite being nearly crazy with desire, Ichigo realised Ryuuken was again only partly right. First of all, quantity was an important factor. Ichigo’s threesomes with captains Kyouraku and Ukitake were legendary (except for the occasional annoying moments when the two older men completely forgot about him and devoted their attention exclusively to each other) and Shinigami Women's Association tea parties – complete with tongue sandwiches and muff pies – were simply unforgettable. Not mentioning the fact that ever since he attended one lesson held by the Shinigami Calligraphy Society, Ichigo couldn’t look at a brush without blushing crimson. The only somewhat unpleasant group sex he has ever encountered in Seireitei was with Sentarou and Kiyone, who were both annoyingly vocal and kept calling him “captain Ukitake” at the most inappropriate moments.   

As for quality – Ichigo rarely had reasons to complain. True, there were a few cases when things hadn’t turned exactly well. Captain Hitsugaya was permanently troubled by premature ejaculation, but he worked hard to cure it with regular afternoon naps and there was general agreement he might grow out of it soon. Izuru Kira was so nervous he frequently broke into hiccups in the middle of intercourse, but Ichigo found the experience interesting nonetheless – it was still much more amusing than Momo Hinamori, who was so submissive that her performance could be described only as ‘comatose’. And Marechiyo Omaeda’s bed was so full of rice crackers crumbs that Ichigo kept brushing them out of his hair for days. However, the real trouble was Yachiru, as the big question wasn’t  _if_ but  _when_  she decides to bite – a bad habit she reportedly shared with Gin Ichimaru.

Nevertheless, there was little to complain about, which couldn’t be said about sex with Uryuu. The problem obviously didn’t run in the family, though, as Ichigo couldn’t deny that the blow job he’s just received from Uryuu’s father was the best he had ever had.

“That was… amazing.”

Ichigo collapsed against the back of the chair, panting.

“Indeed. You seemed to have your share of fun.” Ryuuken smiled wryly, wiping his mouth delicately with a white handkerchief. Then he put one hand into his pocket and nonchalantly took out a small tube of lubricant. “Now, onto the  _real_  business.”

“What!?”

Ryuuken smirked.

“Dear boy, surely you don’t think that was the only thing I am able to offer you! You have yet to feel the true power of a Quincy weapon.”

“Ah… no, it’s okay, I believe you! Don’t!-” Ichigo felt his mouth going dry. A blow job was one thing, but suggesting that they should sleep together – he, Ichigo Kurosaki, and Uryuu’s father! – was something completely different. In spite of his weakness, Ichigo jumped out of the chair and made a run for the door.

He was too slow.

“Oh, come on.” Ryuuken grabbed him from behind and pulled him down, so that the boy fell on his knees. “Don’t say you do not crave it, Kurosaki.”

The truth was this was exactly what he wanted – and another thing Uryuu simply wouldn’t agree to do. Despite his pretended manliness, the young Quincy always bottomed and refused to switch positions.

Ichigo, on the other hand, liked being both up and down and the fact that Uryuu was so stubborn made him seek this pleasure elsewhere. Sometimes there was no greater joy than being rammed up the ass by Zaraki’s enormous cock (the jingle bell piercing felt awesome!) or getting expertly humped by captain Komamura, who added to Ichigo’s sense of submission by sinking his teeth into the back of his neck!

Remembering all this, Ichigo slowly ceased resisting, propped his upper half against the chair and gave himself completely to Ryuuken. 

The initial feeling was good – his partner was obviously not new to this kind of activity and penetrated Ichigo carefully, yet vigorously enough to bring him exactly the right amount of pleasure. The young man waited at first, getting used to the sensation, then slowly started moving against the rhythm, savouring each and every thrust. It was all nice and well – Ryuuken continued in a steady way, one of his hands carressing and teasing Ichigo’s cock while the other worked its way up his shirt to attack his nipples. His own warm, strong body was now pressed close to Ichigo’s back and the scent of his expensive cologne made the boy wild.

However, after a while Ichigo started feeling a certain lack of excitement, despite Ryuuken’s mastery. The boy wondered whether he should say something and finally decided to voice his disappointment:

“Somehow… it doesn’t feel as tight as it could.”

“Of course it doesn’t,” Ryuuken immediately reacted with a disgusted sneer. “What are you expecting, you bottomed to half of the Soul Society!”

“Oh.” Ichigo wasn’t sure whether to get angry or act proud, but Ryuuken didn’t give him time to retort.

“Don’t worry, Kurosaki,” he said, “there are ways to help this.” He chanted something under his breath and suddenly Ichigo gasped, as both pain and pleasure multiplied a hundred-fold.

“How-how are you doing that!?”

Ichigo didn’t turn around to see Ryuuken’s face, yet he could almost feel him smiling when the older man playfully replied: “It’s not just our bows that have adjustable size, you know!”

Ichigo had hardly time to respond. Ryuuken now thrust with all his strength and each of his movements caused eruptions of nearly unbearable pleasure. Ichigo squirmed and wriggled, pressing himself against his unexpected lover, who only quickened his pace and with a dark, satisfied chuckle murmured into Ichigo’s ear:

“And now, Kurosaki… behold the mighty arrow of the true Last Quincy!”

The world exploded into white nothingness and Ichigo’s body melted away. 

When he came around, weak and shaking, he found himself still at the same position – kneeling on the floor, his trunk resting on the seat of the chair. Ryuuken was still holding him.

Ichigo turned around, pulled the older man closer and covered the fine silk of his shirt in passionate little kisses, happily inhaling the scent of cologne mixed with sweat.

“You, sir,” he murmured to Ryuuken, still out of breath, “are amazing!”

Ryuuken’s lips curled into a little, complacent smile. “They do not call me Last Quincy for nothing. Uryuu doesn’t realize this, but there are many secret techniques he still has to learn.”

Ichigo couldn’t but wholeheartedly agree. They remained in embrace for a while longer, but finally Ryuuken disentangled himself from the firm grasp of Ichigo’s arms and stood up, suddenly all business-like.

“Very well. When shall we schedule our next meeting? Mind you, I am a busy man, so we need to plan this in advance.”

 “Uhhh…” Ichigo leaned against the chair, quickly trying to remember what had he planned to do in the next few days. It was Monday today and there was a date with Rukia set on Tuesday (Byakuya was away and they were looking forward to doing it in his room), Wednesday was reserved for Shuuhei Hisagi (for goodness’ sake, the boy had it written on his face!) and he wanted to check on Urahara on Thursday…

“Anytime you want, sir.”

 

**The End**


End file.
